Talking to an ex?

[Trillian]

Okay, so I'm pretty lonely here, I don't have any friends. I recently started talking via email and phone with an ex who lives across the country. We aren't trying to reignite anything (of course, I'm getting married and love my fiance) we're just having a friendship. And being friends has been really nice because all the garbage that went on in our relationship, well it's not there because we aren't having a relationship. So what we're left with is all the things we had in common and all the things we shared.

FH knows about the friendship and he's just fine with it and trusts me completely. Well, my ex hadn't told his wife, she found out and isn't so openminded. She's harrassing me with phone calls, I don't even want to say the kinds of things she's been calling me. I mean, for Christmas sake, we're across the country from one another, obviously we aren't catting around.

I feel horrible for my friend, he doesn't deserve this. I didn't want to cut our friendship off because well, we're not doing anything wrong and we're both lonely living in places where we don't know anyone and both needing a friend. It makes me feel like garbage for him because I have no choice but to not talk to him, I can't have her harrassing me like this.

My question is, do you think she's right? I don't, but I know that a lot of people can't separate the "ex girl" from "friend."

[WebLady]

I think she is wrong for harassing you; if she is uncomfortable with you two talking, she should talk to her husband about it. You are not a threat in another state and as long as you are not harassing her husband then I don't see you to be at fault. But there is no telling what she thinks; he should have told her about you from the beginning. I am sure she felt like he was hiding something since he didn't tell her.

I find it hard to be friends with men from former relationships, and I'd feel weird about it with my man too. Sure in some cases it works and everyone gets along hunky dory, but I can see how it would just seem weird.

DH had a friend when we met that he had sort of dated but decided they were better as just friends. They never slept together and only went out on a couple of dates like a year before I even met DH; but I still felt weird about it. I didn't think they'd get back together or anything, but it was just weird I can't really explain it. They have since stopped talking, it was not because of me, but I am sort of glad ;)

Anyway, I am sorry it seems that you have lost a friend, but it is probably best in this case to avoid more drama.

All the best :hug:

[neebelung]

My question is, do you think she's right? I don't, but I know that a lot of people can't separate the "ex girl" from "friend."

Let me preface this by saying, for the most part, I've been able to maintain freidnships or at least friendly acquaintanceships with most guys I've dated in the past. So I know it's totally possible to have that kind of friendship without there being any desire to "reignite" things, etc...

With regard to "is she right?" however... well... in a way, yeah. Your Ex-BF put you in this position when he decided to carry on this friendship without telling his wife. Honesty is always the best policy, and (the way she's seeing it is) if his intentions were truly pure, then why wouldn't he have told her about it?

Should she be harassing YOU? No. Her issue should be with her husband, and why he felt the need to keep this from her... it's not your problem, it's theirs.

I'm sorry she's doing this to you, but it might be for the best for you to just lay low and not talk to him. As for her? Next time she calls, tell her point blank -- "You need to talk to your husband; he's the one who kept this from you, not me." and leave it at that.

[EarlyBird]

I think that i can understand her frustration and anger that HE DIDNT TELL HER!! but that is an issue that needs to be worked out with him. while im sure her "rational" brain can tell her nothing is going on, she probably got freaked out by it being a secret. - alot of girls take ACTUAL cheating out on the other girl, and never really hold their husbands accountable so i guess its just cuz its easier then being mad at him. I personally would be FUMING with HIM but i would know where to direct my anger and if its that she is TRULY uncomfortable she could have told him that and let him tell you or if she really must speak with you (like an adult) then give one POLITE AS POSSIBLE call to you and explain "i know there is nothing going on but i am very uncomfortable with you guys talking" I dont know which is the best route for her or her family there but obviously there were ALOT of other options she had without harrassing you.

Good Luck - try to remember that maybe they have gone through some stuff in the past that you dont know about (maybe he cheated or maybe he told her she couldnt talk to an old friend) and maybe thats where this CRAZINESS is coming from. Sometimes i try to look at both sides of the coin like that but its hard when your being harrassed so i just wanted to give you an outsiders opinion :hare:

[Smashingpennies]

I have serveral Guy friends that I talk to and I always told my husband about them. As several of us have said HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY. Next time she calls tell her that your sorry that this happened they way it did, but that you are only trying to stay in touch with an old friend. We don't always think level headedly when it comes to the men in our lives. We I do talk with the guys, I keep it to things that will not be taken as doing anything wrong. We talk about family, work and kids for the ones that are married and have kids. I think that she does need to talk to her husband or he needs to talk to her, since he was the one that didn't tell her.

[Nekochanpurr]

Well, i was going to give advice.. But everyone already said what i was going to say! I was friends with my ex for a while, but we stopped talking when he went and stayed in Japan for the first time. Since then we only see each other once in a while. =P He kind of stopped talking to everyone here so he could flirt with as many pretty Japanese ladies as possible (didn't say, but thats what i think, LOL). I think that your friends wife is insecure, but he didn't help matters when he didn't tell her (even slip it in casual-like during conversation) about befriending you again. I can understand her fustration, but its wrong to take it out on you. You didn't do anything wrong. :( .
I'll stop rambling in your thread now.. O.o;

[twu]

Personally, if I had found out that my FH was talking to an ex without telling me, I would feel a little uncomfortable and wonder why he hadn't told me, but I trust him completely.

It sounds like the wife has some major trust and insecurity issues in her relationship with your ex that need to be worked out. Her swings are pretty sloppy though, and you're getting grief when you shouldn't.

If I were you, I'd do two things:
1) Advise my ex on his relationship with his wife and the trust issues between them. Urge him to have a heart to heart with her, being as completely honest as possible and asking her what he can do to improve their relationship. Maybe tell him to give her a lot of positive feedback about how much he loves her so that she can build more confidence in their relationship.
2) What everyone else said! Let the wife know that you're not romantically interested in him, you're sorry that you upset her, and she needs to discuss it with her husband.