Sorry about the book, but I need some advice

[ikkin510]

Alright ladies. Something has been bothering me for a while and I want your opinion on it.
I was never the little girl who dreamed about her wedding. Even now I have a hard time picturing it. I can't seem to get myself motivated to do any planning or make any decision. I am pretty sure I know why. I don't want to have a wedding. Now, don't get me wrong I love Steve and I want to marry him, but I don't want to have a wedding. At the same time I don't want to go to the JP and just have it done. I want something quiet, just Steve and I. I HATE being the center of attention. Normally I'm the type of person that keeps to myself, I have my small group of friend (and of course you ladies) and I'm happy with that. I hate going to big events. Just thinking about having to be the center of attention, people watching me through the ceremony and then talking to me through the reception, it just freaks me out! I think a destination wedding is more my type. I can go away with Steve and get married somewhere just the two of us. We have talked about this before and compromised on a small wedding. We know both of our parents would be heart broken if we didn't have a wedding and just ran off. And we can't afford a destinations wedding and pay for both of our parents, brother and sister to come. So we thought of inviting about 125 people figuring only 100 will come. That's small compaired to the size of our families once you add all the aunts, uncles, cousins and ouf course our close friends. But making all these plans, it just isn't me! I hate doing the planning and making the decisions. I have always hating throwing or having parties. I think I only had maybe 2 birthday parties growing up and I was happy with that! Again, it's the center of attention thing and I guess I'm also too worried about what other people will think. Afraid that it won't be good enough. Everyone tells you, it doesn't matter what everyone else think, it's your wedding, do what you want and what makes you happy. It will be great no matter what music, or centerpieces. It doesn't matter if the girl love their dresses, they are doing this for you to be there on your special day. That's just it, I feel like I'm planning a wedding to make everyone else happy. I want to make FH happy and I know he wants to have a wedding. I want to make our parents happy and have a wedding for them. Even the destination wedding, I would want it to be just FH and I. MAYBE our MOH and his BM. But that makes so many other people unhappy. I know I can't please everyone. But I seem to please the most making myself unhappy. I have talked to Steve about all of this and he is just as stuck as I am. He wants me to be happy, but a destination isn't what would make him completely happy. He wants all his friends and family. I feel like both of us are stuck. What should we do? I want to make him happy, so if I have to I will have the wedding. It's only one day, right? It's the end result. I tried to see if he would take the bulk of the planning but there is so much he doesn't understand. I understand the planning, I just don't want to do it! I didn't think this was the way a wedding was suppose to be. The bride not being able to put her heart into the planning because she is dreading the day (again not because of the groom!) Am I just being too selfish about all this? Ya know, Not being about to get into it because it's not what I want. I try, I really do. We have made some desisions but I can't get motivated to do any more. I just don't know what to do. Whether to just go with this, because I know y'all will try to keep me motivated and I'm sure (or at least I hope) you would help me out. Or do I try to go with my option and leave him to not have the wedding he truly wants by doing a destination style?
I'm sorry this is so long. It's been on my mind for a while now and I just needed to get it out and get some opinions from someone who isn't me, Steve or our parents. I just don't know what to do, to the point where I end up crying because I'm so frustrated and confused. It's only one day, why does it have to stress me out so much? Thanks again guys!

[bnd94]

You sound just like me! I have the same feelings and doubts.

We didn't want the big wedding thing either for the same reason, the center of attention thing! That is why my FH came up with the mountain idea. There is no reason why you two couldn't get married near where you live and just invite your bridal party and both your parents. Have a private ceremony and then invite everyone to the reception. I think you would feel less the center of attention at your reception if you plan it that way. I am not going to do the bouquet toss or garter toss for many reasons but one is because we don't want to be the center of attention. You can plan this any way you want, the most important thing to us is that we are both comfortable so we can relax and enjoy our day! I hope I have helped if you ever want to talk you can pm me anytime!:D

[KMac]

Hi. Wow! You do have alot on yoiur mind...lol...totally kidding! I think every bride can on some level understand your thoughts, concerns and feelings. Planning for a wedding can be a bit overwhelming. In the long run, do you want to plan a wedding, and pretty much go through the motion of doing so, just to make other people happy (this not including your FH)? A man/woman's wedding day is one of the greatest days of someone's life. Everyone goes about it differently. It seems as if you want something small and intimate, preferrably just you and your FH?! So, why can't you do this?I am sure that if you express your concerns, and feelings to your family, that they will understand. And then you and the FH can come up with something that you both agree on and are content with. For the sake of family, maybe have a party after your married, still keeping everything small, yet casual. I hope this helps. I have more thoughts, but I don't want to make this a novel either. If you need anything else, just ask. Like I said.....many people have been in this situation before. Just worry for now about you and your FH.:bbconfused:

[Terri-anne]

Ikkin510,
I am very much in the same place as you as far as my wedding goes i dont like planing i just cant seem to do it or rather bring myself to do it they is so much to do and so little time to do it!!!!! All our parents seem to know what they wanmted and how they wanted it done i was in shock when they was sat round the table LOL
My future husband Owen has always dreamt of this white wedding at a church with lots of friend's and famliy round him where me on the other hand is nothing like this all them eye's on me think that i would chuck up LOL it just isnt me at all i want a little wedding with just a few people there i would of loved to beable to do it on a beach some where with me and him and my daughter selfish i know,,,,
Anyway i met owen half way where having a church i am having all the people there but only in the evening recpetion and that way all eyes are not on me and when i go to the church i am all a ready going to be in my place with him and they is only about 20 ppl there parents groom ( hopefuly lol ) bridesmaids and the grooms men and vicar. thease few ppl will be attending the sit down meal with us.....
then the evening one will be for everyone else if it all goes to plan...
What i am trying to say is that it is yours and his day no one else's so both of you sit and talk and go through it with each other and once you have done this you will be alot happier it will be like a weight off you well it was for me i met him half and he met me half way so in the end we will both have what we want to happen... But you get know where with out talking. And don't worry what people think it matter's what you think if you think yellow pig's should fly in the sky that is fine you like it so what matter's???? Everyone will love you wedding but if you please other's more than yourself you wont remember the day as yours and his you will remember it has trying to please all and it isnt fair on you go with what you and he wants no one else!!!! ITS YOUR BOTHS BIG DAY ENJOY IT!!!!!!
Love Terri-Anne
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p.s hope the advice helps a little and sorry for going on.

[LaceyinPgh]

I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this. Have you ever thought about just getting married in a small ceremony with just your parents there? Or, maybe you could limit the guest list to 10 people each that way you could have siblings and grandparents there too. That way you are still having a "wedding" but there isn't the stress on you. You still get have all the fun stuff, dress, flowers, ceremony but no eyes watching you. Then you could just do a small dinner reception with the guests or you could keep your original guest list and just invite them to the reception. At the reception, you will still be the bride and groom but everyone won't be watching your every move and breath. You can circulate and talk to people.

Also, keep in mind that you aren't in front of a group of strangers. These are your family and friends. They love you andw ant to support you in any way possible. I personally am a little attention junkie. So i fyou want some limelight pointers, just ask. :w00t:

[usahgrad]

I know that a LOT of people get married on their own first and then havet he ceremony and reception. In fact, there was an article in one of the bridal magazines I read awhile ago. Maybe this could give you the option for your intimate wedding and then keep your parents involved as well. I know you're parents would be hurt if you just ran off and got married (that's why Jason and I haven't gotten married yet), but maybe if it was like the morning of the wedding or the day before. Just so you got the chance to have what you wanted before you went and pleased everyone else. I know how you feel. I want to be the center of attention for my FH (and with all those people there that we have to thank for being there and everything else we have to do, I'm not sure that's going to be the case...although I'm sure he'll try).

Or maybe you could do the ceremony with your parents and immediate family (something small) and then invite all those people everyone wants you to invite to the reception. People do that all that time.

I know how you feel, and that you feel kind of stuck...good luck Nikki! I'm sure, whatever you choose, it will be really beautiful!

[CindySue]

This is the same place I have been. I hope you ont mind Nikki, but I let Brian read your post. It opened up for us to have a conversation we have been needing to have. Ive been wanting to talk to him, but have been scared to. I love him and DO want to marry him, and I didnt want him thinking different.
Thanks!

[ikkin510]

Thanks everyone for your advise. Steve and I are planning on sitting down and talking about it again tonight. I'm still a little unsure about everything, but I'm glad I'm not the only one who is/has gone through this. I could definatly use some pointer Lacey!! Anything to make it though the day without having a mental break down! And Cindy, I don't mind at all that you let Brian read my post. It's up there for anyone who wants and I'm glad it gave you two a chance to talk. Thanks again Ladies, you really are the best and I love you all!

[CindySue]

Im glad that you and Steve can talk about things. Brian read it and asked me if I was sure I didnt write it. We talked for a while about EVERYTHING. He told me I shouldnt be scared to come to him. I was doing the wedding in the way I thought he wanted, and he was letting me do things the way he thought I wanted. He understands now that having no one to help me is what really stressed me out. He said HE would help, he said he would LOVE to, he just thought it was his job to just sit back and let me do things my way.
Good Luck Nikki.....things will work out!

[bnd94]

That is awesome Cindy! I am so happy to hear you two were able to talk it out. :D

[usahgrad]

Me too! Maybe it'll help pull Jason into the wedding plans if I have him read it too. I'm in the process of trying to convince him he wants to go out registry shopping (he's a homey type of guy and doesn't really like to go anywhere) and I had to pull the "You haven't visited my family in over a year" to get him to go to my niece's first birthday party next weekend. I just don't think he wants to help plan...if it were up to him, I think we'd go to the JoP tomorrow to do it (well maybe not tomorrow, considering it's Sunday, but you get my jist). Maybe I do have to talk to him.

[ikkin510]

I"m glad things went do well with Brian and he wants to help you out. Just remember, we are more then happy to help. I'll tell you what, as soon as I win the lottery I will pay for everyone to fly out and we can all help ya!
Steve is willing to help, but you really need to keep at him when it comes to getting something done by a certain time. He told me today he never called the DJ back to tell him we were definatly going with him and so there is a chance he may have gave away out date. Just one more thing to stress about I guess. Although, I wouldn't mind just haven't a cd players and a bunch of cds and let everyone play whatever they want. Just another thing to talk about once we figure out exactly what we want tonight!

[usahgrad]

I've seen ideas that involve renting a jukebox and then people could choose from there. Don't know if it's so much your style, but it'd be easier than the cds and player. Or maybe if you have a good music storage program on your computer, you could have people choose off of there and just add it to a playlist...I've thought about doing that. Although, it does involve hauling a computer to your reception site, but at least it's just a computer and not a whole bunch of cds. Either way though, I'm sure it will be fine.

That's really been Jason's only input on the wedding so far (with the exception of, "Yes Honey, that looks fine"). He said that, especially without alcohol, people probably weren't going to be dancing a lot, so why spend all that money on a DJ? So we're not. My mother has a decent system and that's what we're going to use. I'm a little worried about the music for the ceremony but I have a battery operated stereo, so I think that's what I'm going to use.

Good luck!

[WebLady]

I read the opening post and skimmed through the rest so please forgive me if I repeat something someone else posted.

Well dear, I totally feel ya ... I didn't want the big wedding myself. Partly for money reasons, partly because I don't like crowds and the whole center of attention thing. Luckily for me, my DH agreed and we had a nice small wedding ceremony in our living room with just our parents as witnesses :) For us it was more about being married and then having a nice vacation. Yes there were people that got upset that they couldn't be there but they got over it. (And they still sent gifts ;))

So my short answer to your delima would be to just talk to your FH about this and come up with a compromise that will make both of you guys happy. Don't worry about what your friends and family think ... you should not do this or anything else in life just to make others happy. Your FH is the only one you should ever even consider trying to make any compromises for and he should be willing to make compromises for you as well. All this is about the two of you, so you have to do what is right for you.

I wish the best for all of you ladies dealing with similar situations :hug:

~ WebLady :)

[LaceyinPgh]

I'm sorry you girls feel that everything is on your shoulders. I can only imagine how hard and much more stressful that would be when it came to planning. At first Sean wasn't that interested other than "yes" or "no". I found that it helped to give him specific tasks and specific deadlines to get things done. It turns out that he wasn't not interested he just didn't think the groom was supposed to be invovled and didn't know what to do. For example, the honeymoon. I told himt he honeymoon was 100% up to him. I wanted everything done and booked by the first of the year. That was it. He did his research and figured out what he wanted and had it booked within the deadline. The only downside is that when you do that, you have no right to say anything about their plans. So give them the tasks that you don't care about. Also, remember that there are just some things that no man no matter how metrosexual is programmed to do. They are physically incapable of matching the napkins to the exact shade of yellow in the bridemaids dresses. They don't care about the differences between Dutch and French tulips. They could care less that pen and guest book are color coordinated. They are guys, let them be guys. Also, compromise. I think that from the time we are little girls we are taught that the wedding is totally the bride's day. That isn't true. We need to compromise. It isn't fair that FH or we have to give in totally. If one of you wants a simple ceremony with 10 guests max and the other wants something lavish with 300 you need to split the difference.

I want to add that I am very impressed by you ladies. All of you are very open and able to communicate well with your FHs. That is a sign of a strong relationship.

[usahgrad]

We talked a little bit in the car today while we were driving to places to register and Jason told me that he didn't realize that I wanted his help with things. He said that he had thought that if I wanted help with something, I'd ask. So, now I have someone to plan with a little bit more than before. I'm glad we worked that out. I'm not expecting a lot of help from him, but now I know that when I want it I can't assume he knows. Silly men...:)

[ikkin510]

I talked with FH last night and we are going to stick with the small wedding...about 100-120 people tops. He says he is trying to help but doesn't know what to do. I would give him tasks though and they would take forever to get done. He is finally going to call the DJ today. And is going to start looking for more ideas for things too. He thought he was helping by saying "that's nice" to things he showed me. But I could tell when he didnt' like them and just said it cause he thought that's what I wanted to hear. So I everythign is kinda figured out. I just have to get over my fear/stress I feel when I think about all the people and the center of attention. Thank you all once again for your help and letting me know I'm not the only one feeling this way. I'm glad I have you all to help me plan this. I'm goign to have to add a few people to the guest list, but that's ok if it you guys!!

[rainbowtreat]

I spoke with Nihcolas and told him we need to take one night a week and hash out thigns that NEED to be done soon. He says not a problem. So now we need topick that one night. He is home Sundya evening after8 and wed. after 7 and he has Tues and Sat. off so we can pick one and take it from there. I need to get thigns in order.

[WebLady]

Glad to see things are working out for you guys :D

~ WebLady :)

[Tiggerprincess]

Glad to see things are working out for you guys :D

~ WebLady :)
That goes for me too