Children from another marriage......

[gennymac]

My FH was married before, as was I. We are doing our 'Will You Be My ..' invitations and we've included his son as a groomsman. We really wanted him to be the Best Man, but he's 12, and the truth is that the ex Wife could possibly keep him from being with us that weekend. My FH has already made the call and let her know he was remarrying so she didn't hear it from anyone else. We do try to be considerate of her.

Here is my question - I'm too close to the situation and don't have clear perspective.

We planned to mail his 'Will You Be My...' card to him at home (he lives with his mom), to make it really special for him. We have a wonderful relationship with him, I adore this kid and he genuinely seems to enjoy being with me and actively includes me in plans with his dad on his own, without prompting. He helped pick out my ring and plan the proposal.

Here is my issue - the wording of the invite says.............will you stand with me as my Groomsman as I marry the love of my life ...........

If the ex Wife sees this, and she surely will, I do not want to cause an explosion or cause his son to feel badly for his mom, or feel ugly things for displacing his mom with these words.

What would you guys do? Should we give him the card together instead of mailing it?

I just don't want to cause hard feelings when it's already a nightmare with this woman and poking the tiger just does not seem like a good idea that we may have to pay for later.

Thanks.............Gen

[EarlyBird]

Hmm.. could he possibily do something a bit different and WRITE his son a letter? Maybe not including 'the love of my life' I say this only b/c at 12- maybe since its his mom he might start a resentment toward you. My brother is from my dads first marriage - he is now 27 but he had the situation of "being pulled in different directions" B/c of it he rarely speaks with his "bio" mom and my mom is his mom if you ask him. I would just hate to see it go the other way for your family. However, if you think THE SON will be okay with this wording then the x needs to kind of be an adult.
How fresh is their divorce??

[gennymac]

They have been divorced for 4 years now. The ex Wife is so bitter and causes so much trouble every chance she gets. We've been to court four times because she won't abide by the custody agreement. Hiding the son, not letting the dad know where he is when it's time to pick him up, moving without telling dad, it just goes on and on and on.

The judge found her in contempt of court in March of last year and demanded that she abide by the custody order, gave Dad 12 weekends in a row for visitation to make up for all the time she kept the son away, and required her to give dad info on school, grades, etc on a regular basis, and demanded that she turn over all contact information (cell, home phone) for everyone who keeps the son or transports him to pickup and drop off for visitation. She has refused to do any of it.

We don't want to make bad matter worse - cause if we go back to court again, the judge told her flat out the last time that he'd put her in jail if she couldn't act like a responsible adult and we really don't want that to happen. How do you justify having a kids mom put in jail to a kid of 12?

I think we'll give him the card together when we have him next weekend. He's already excited about the tux and helping with the ceremony and reception.

Thanks for the advice - my goal is to just have as many good things put into this kid's life when he's with us - sort of to displace all the ugly things he hears from his mom. We don't even speak of her when the son is with us and we have a rule that no one in the family is allowed to either. He gets enough poison from her without us adding to it.

Gen

[EarlyBird]

Gen- You seem to have a big big heart :) I just worry what she is doing to this poor child !! Hopefully he will see what happens with her and he can get to a point where he says "mom hes my dad and he loves her, you need to please stop saying these things' She might be pissed for a while at him but oh well. seems like your door is always open, and after the **** she pulled, the judge is probably sick of her! plus he is almost at that age where he could come live with you guys if he wanted (well where i live, the age is approaching for him, i dont know if it is by state)

[Joe's girl]

I have a son who is 13 from a previous marriage, His dad is remarried and his new wife and I do not get along at all, but i would suggest giving him the card when he is with you. You already stated she might not let him be with you guys on your wedding day so if she see's that card she might really not let him go.

[ger]

As I'm reading these replies, my concern is...if you give him the card, his mom will probably see it anyway and cause trouble. Are you thinking of having him leave it at your house? Like you, I'm concerned about the "love of my life" statement.

Some people just can't be mature enough to be adults. It totally makes me sad...especially because it is just the kids they hurt. Good luck with the entire situation. I'll say a couple of extra prayers for you.

[gennymac]

Ger, I just ran through the wedding pics post and your dress was fantastic !

Yes, he is getting to that age - we do want him, would love to take him today, but having done this with my own daughter, I know enough not to push, attempt to persuade, or speak ill of his mother. The fact is - this child has a mother and doesn't need another one. What he does need is another female adult around who has his best interests at heart and not her own agenda. Having said that - I know only what I see and hear in regard to his mom and it sounds like she does have some very serious issues with control, cleanliness, and people in general. It is widely believed that she has a pretty serious case of OCD, and I think she may be slipping into Agoraphobia as she does not go out hardly at all, and won't allow anyone in. She won't allow the cats and dogs outside because they will become 'contaminated' - so the litter pans and puppy pads have to be changed several times a day. The son cannot touch his shoes because they are contaminated, and he's weird about which foods he'll eat - or he was until last summer when I sat him down with the computer and showed him his fears were unbased (we took him deep sea fishing and he wouldn't eat what he caught because all fish are 'poisioned with mercury')


My goal with this is to avoid two things:
1. Causing any pain or anger to my FH's exWife - she lived with him for 21 years, gave him two beautiful children and supported his career in the military. Now, I might have done things differently than she did, but she did a good job and I have no right to cause her pain in any way for any reason.
2. Putting the son in any difficult situations where he is put in a position to have to choose because of pressure from us. I refuse to do that to any child, my own included - he didn't ask for this mess and we've no right to drag him into it any more than we can help.

So, we are giving him the card here, over dinner, and he has his own room with his own stuff. He's been pretty judicious about what he keeps here and what he takes home - he's a bright boy and knows what the triggers are with his mom. I think he'll choose to leave it here with his other "dad's life stuff" as I call it.

Man I want that child living with me sooooooo bad ! But, that will come in due course when he's finally ready to step up. Right now he's taking the path of least resistance, as they all do.

Thanks for your input everyone. Nice to have a place to vent and get opinions.

Gen

[gennymac]

Thanks so much for the heads up - yeah we are pretty much assured she will do something to cause a problem, but hey, we know it's probable, we'll do all we can to avert it (certified letters requesting him, telephone conversatons asking for her to cooperate months in advance, etc) but - she's only stabbing herself in the heart every time she does this. It really only hurts the son - he isn't going to tell her Mom I really wanna go, when he thinks it will cause her pain, but in the end he'll resent her for this constant drama. We make plans (seriously, we sit down with the son and draft out entire weekends for the next visit and he's sooooo excited) and she up and decides he can't come - no reason, just doesn't want him to. That kind of stuff will backfire in her face over time - and I'd really rather not have to watch that happen. I'm a mom too, and it would break my heart to see a child turn on a parent, deserved or not.

He bakes me cookies when he's here for 'nite nite surprise' and fixes me a glass of milk with ice in it cause that's how I like it. She won't allow him to spread peanut butter on a piece of bread for heaven's sakes. We climb trees, race each other, play tennis, ride bikes, shoot hoops, tell jokes in church, and walk through steams with our shoes off. She won't let him take the dog outside for a walk to poop. Honestly, how long with that last for this kid? I hate it - I really do.

Thank you for your input and support.

Gen

[ger]

Thank you for your sweet words.

The ex sounds like someone who needs help. Too bad they themselves never see it and try to get that help. If she never goes out, how does she support herself??

I'm impressed with the way you handle the situation. Some people would be so resentful (and have a right to feel that way), but you are doing what is best for your almost ss. I truely believe that will serve him and your family so much better in the end.

You said she gave him 2 children...where is the other one (if I'm not being too snoopy)?

Good luck with all this. If you need to vent, I'm a pretty good listener. I've kind of been thru some of this (not nearly so severe though), so I understand where you're coming from.

[Nekochanpurr]

Hun, i'm sorry i don't have any advice for you (ger and the others are doing a pretty good job, anyway..) but i just wanted to let you know that you are a great person. I think you are doing it exactly the right way. Coming from a divcorced household (i was 16, so a bit older.. Don't know if it still counts..), its never good to put the kid in the middle of the drama. My dad this by bad mouthing my mom while we were over. Needless to say, we don't talk to him anymore..

[SerendipityCrafts]

As I'm reading these replies, my concern is...if you give him the card, his mom will probably see it

Yep, I have to agree. Why not take his son out to a special dinner to ask him instead? That way there isn't any card, or letter at all.

I realize that they have been divorced 5 years but, if he's the one who left her, right or wrong, she just might not be "over him". As such, their son is paying the price. I wouldn't fan the flames any more than needed. It will only put him in the middle further.

If it looks as if his son won't be "allowed" to attend the wedding, and it's something that his son wants to do, I am afraid that it's time that he talk to the lawyer again about the options. Better to be prepared.

[gennymac]

Ger,

The second child is a daughter who is now 21, working but still living with her mother. When my FH left, he actually wanted the children to come with him. He moved in with his mom for 3 months while he looked for a place to live, not having planned to leave when he did. His ex wife took the opportunity to get a lawyer while they were still dealing with the details of the separation/divorce and claimed he had abondoned the family - because he didn't come home from his reserve weekend with the navy. So when they went to court, and the FH said, yes I called said I couldn't take it anymore and was going to stay with my mother till we can work out the details - the court saw that as abondonment - the daughter only heard what her mom told her and basically she lied - he paid all the bills just like he had before, gave ex wife alimony money prior to formal agreement to ensure she and the kids were ok financially, etc. But the daughter got the mom's side of the story - all the bemoaning that they would loose their home, they'd hav to live on the street, they wouldn't have enought to eat and that he'd abandoned them. She won't speak to him even now.

[ger]

That is so sad. I just don't understand people that do those things. I'm not allowed much contact with one of my sgrandchildren because of a person that acts like that. It is so awful. I'm sorry you guys are having to deal with this. Hang in there.

[rainbowtreat]

It sounds like you are doing every thing right for this childs sake. I ahve 2 from my first marraige and I have to say their dad has made my life a living H3ll at itmes. It was worse when I was pregnant with my newest. ( some say he still loves me and always will ) what ever the reason it wears on ya after a while. I have the kids most of the time. He takes them on weekends he doesn't have to work. My husband is there fo rthem more then their dad. He says he has to work and he lives an hour away. Well We didn't move, he did. I never told him to go that far. No excuse when it is your childs concert, soccer or t-ball game, kindergarden graduation. He gets enough time in advance of these things but he has only been to one of each childs games so far. I let him take the child support down alot only for the sake of I don't want to fight iwth him. He has been good so far for the last couple of months but one slip up and we are back to court adn it will be baout the money ( even though that is not the real problem, it is the way he speask to me or how he mroe or less interagates the kids about what happens at home) . I dont mean to take over your thread. I guess my point is even after all eh does I still try to include him in my kids lives. My kids are 6 and 8. I will bring up their dad and say do you want to call him and let him know about " what ever it is at the time ".

It sounds like the way you are handleing the whole things is working great for you and all invloved. I pray the boy doesnt have to go through this much longer. It is sad to see kids go through this. FOr me as Isaid I will bring their dad up for their sake. But I never bad mouth him at all. I never say anythign negative. I even have pcitures of him in their rooms for them. I knwo for a fact I am not mentioned their and there are no pictures of me. I am just told that in due time the kdis will know who was always there for them.

Sorry for the rambleing. It is a touching subject at times. I dont know any one else that goes through this that I can talk to. And no one knows this man liek I do lol.

[SouthernQueenBride]

Genny...
Wow, first off. You should be VERY proud of yourself b/c you are handling things in a way that MOST would not. It is sometimes to easy to get angry and want to lash out at the person responsible. But I want to commend you for actually considering the child's side first.

I am not sure if I am qualified to offer advice, but is there any way that you could let the mom know first before you asked him to be a Groomsman. Just to prep her? I am not saying that you should ASK her, but just call her up and say, "Just wanted you to be in the know that we are going to ask ______to be a groomsmen." I don't know if yall speak or if your FH speaks to her ... but that might take off some of the sting if she hears it first. But then again, after 4 years ... she really should be adult and accept the situation but from what you have said, I am not sure if that will happen.
Best of luck to you honey! Please keep us posted!

[gennymac]

I would give anything if we could talk to her about this and many other things but that's just not going to happen anytime soon. My FH and I have discussed this again, and we've decided to give the son the card (we want him to feel as involved as the rest of the party and the cards are all hand made with special words of invitation on them) and let him choose to keep it at his dad's or take it home with him.

Here's another example of how far off the mark this woman is: the son has worked all summer doing odd jobs in the neighborhood, and saved up enough money to buy a new skateboard. He leaves it on the porch outside because she says it is contaminated since it's been on the ground and on the road. So he can't bring it into the house. She cleaned the porch off last week, and threw it out into the yard, left it there, and it rained that night. So, the wheels rusted as did the other metal on it. He had it one week ! So, I've got it now and am taking it to the skate shop where we bought it to see what we can do with the rust. I didn't say anything against her, didn't comment on what she did. I just told him the skateboard had a place inside my front door and he could bring it inside anytime he wanted to - just make sure the road kill gets wiped off ! LOL

I want you all to know that your kind and supportive words mean so very much to me - I don't know much but when it comes to kids and families, I do know that the better you are to them in a healthy way, the more payoff there is long term for everyone involved. It's just easier to turn the other cheek than to make hard feelings that can't be forgotten. I always try and keep in mind that what you say cannot be unsaid and what you do cannot be undone after the fact.

Man, I want this kid with us so bad it hurts. He was here tonight and I asked him to go upstairs and pick out which bedroom he wanted for his own so when he's with us, he his own space. I have two spare bedrooms, so he just took off and came back down with a big grin on his face and asked if we could paint his room another color (both are females shades of pink and lavendar now) and I told him he could paint his room any color he wanted. I'll be he says black ! Oh well, I wanted my room black at one time too, and paint can be painted over again so it won't matter.

Thank you all again for the words of support.

Gen

[Measha]

He sounds like such a good kid, as well. I'm sure you are a blessing in his life, and pray you get to be even more of one!

[ger]

I truely feel for you and this young sweetheart! Why isn't his Mom in therapy or an institution somewhere? I can't believe you can be that weird and just live life. Does he say anything to his teachers at school? Maybe that would be a way to get them some help.

Good luck with this. I totally know what it is to have to try to help children live a normal life with less than normal opposing parent.